Markelle's Gift

Markelle's last days with us...

2012-02-10T03:53:00.001-08:00

The last week of Markelle’s life was the hardest week of my life. Markelle’s health declined dramatically throughout the weekend with her belly continuing to grow because her liver and pancreas were so sick. At this point she had a fever, needed blood transfusions and continuous oxygen. By Monday, Markelle was awaiting a surgery consult to see if we could find out where she could be bleeding in her belly.

That Monday, our day started out very much on the wrong foot when a new resident came in our room to check on Markelle and report back to the GI team before rounds. While she was examining Markelle she casually looked over at me and asked “Do ya’ll have things in order for her?” and I said “What do you mean?” and she said “Do ya’ll have a DNR in place?” I looked at her and said “Of course we don’t have a DNR!!! I was so mad that I could not see straight… I could not believe that she had the gall to ask me that and who did she think she was talking to??? I was so angry and appalled by this.

By late morning I was very unsettled by how rapidly things had changed in the last days and the lack of response to getting Markelle into surgery today. When the GI doctor came in she asked for some extra labs to be drawn because by this point Markelle was not waking up or responding. The MRI we did over the weekend showed that Markelle’s pancreas was very sick and was basically falling apart, the fluid from her pancreas was destroying her other organs. Markelle was not well enough to handle surgery and after talking with her surgeon, surgery would not help at his point. The labs came back showing that Markelle’s CO2 level was very high and we had to make the decision to go to the ICU and put her on the ventilator or sign a DNR….

It was so unbelievable that this day had come for us! I knew Markelle was very sick and she was no longer a candidate for a transplant. This was not at all how I thought we would make the sensitive end of life decisions… Markelle needed time! I needed time! But she was tired and she had already told me the week before that she did not want another transplant… and that she knew she was going to die.

After Brandon and I talked about all that had transpired we decided that it was best to leave it up to God and not to use machines to help keep her alive. My priority had always been Markelle's happiness and the quality of her life, this was a difficult decision, but one we felt was best for Markelle. I asked the doctor if we could be moved up to ICS and be with nurses that knew and loved Markelle for the last hours of her life. I made those very difficult calls and first thing I needed to tell Mikalie that her sister was dying. I had just told her the night before that Markelle was going to be okay just like every other time she was sick and I needed her to know that was not really the case. I have no idea what I said to her I just only remember that it broke my heart that I had to break her heart too!

We moved floors and the flood gates opened with visitors… Allowing everyone to come and say goodbye to her seemed to be the right thing to do, she loved people and it was what she had always wanted.

On Wednesday evening Markelle woke up for the first time since Sunday night and asked for a Popsicle and I wondered if she would once again defy the odds and make it through this time too… But that was not God’s plan.

Friday morning I had to leave the hospital without my precious baby girl, leaving the hospital one day without her was what I had desperately feared her whole life.

To the hospital.... for the last time

2012-02-03T08:00:00.000-08:00

Six years ago today, I took Markelle to the hospital; it would be for the last time… That morning Markelle woke up around 6 a.m. with back pain so severe that I immediately knew it was pancreatitis… again. In the four months leading up to the removal of Markelle’s transplanted bowel, she had pancreatitis more often than not, so this was obviously going to be another hospitalization to get the pain under control. I paged her doctor to let him know that Markelle was having enough pain that I didn’t think I would be able to control it at home. Usually, I gave her pain meds at home until the pain was so severe that she had to be admitted in order to receive higher doses. However, this time I knew it was bad enough that we should just go to the hospital and get the pain under control… sooner than later.

After Markelle’s doctor called me back he made arrangements for a direct admission to the floor. My heart sank when he also told me that she would no longer be admitted to our normal unit at the hospital, the Immune Compromised Unit (ICS). Markelle had been on the ICS unit since she was 2 years old but now that she had her transplanted bowel removed, she was no longer considered immune compromised. Now that was about the dumbest thing I had ever heard, but what choice did we have but to be admitted to the Medical Surgical Unit? He let me know when a room would be available for her and I started making the calls to arrange our life beyond the hospital walls. Most times Markelle and I did our hospital excursions solo but this time Brandon decided to leave work and take us to the hospital. I made arrangements for Gage to be watched and Mikalie to be picked up after school. I packed our bags and brought plenty of Markelle’s pajamas with us because she loved her own and hated wearing the hospitals.

By the time we got to the hospital, Markelle was hurting so bad she could not walk and her dad had to carry her. We got settled in our room and I shared with the admitting resident Markelle’s extensive medical history and the long list of meds she was on… not a short process but necessary to understand Markelle’s story and get her the much needed pain medication ordered. I decided to go to the cafeteria to get a Coke before they closed and ran into her doctor in the process; he was on his way to our room to check on Markelle. I told him that he could go see her and I would be right back but he said that he actually needed to talk to me … now. He put his hand on my shoulder in a very sympathetic way and I knew immediately that no good was going to come from our conversation. The last time he put his hand on my shoulder in that sympathetic way was the day he told me Markelle had received HIV positive/inconclusive blood (that’s another story for another day)… The point is, the doctor’s sympathetic gesture told me that I was about to get an emotional kick in the stomach... and I did! He had received the results from the extensive antibody study that we had drawn the previous week. The results showed that Markelle’s levels of these specific antibodies were much higher than normal. I had already talked with the transplant team who ordered the antibody workup and knew these results meant Markelle was no longer a candidate for a second transplant. I felt like we had just lost the biggest fight of our life. I knew that we were out of options once the transplant team officially said she was not eligible. Overwhelmed by this news, I went into Markelle’s room with her doctor and told her that I still needed to get my Coke and would return in a little while.

After telling Brandon the news… news I had so deeply feared, I walked downstairs to call Allie and Amy to have a small “freak out” session. When I was finally able to compose myself, I went back to Markelle’s room to email her transplant doctor so that I could address the test results with him and know what this really meant for Markelle. I believe the exact words of his response to the results were “these results are not favorable.” Everything so far about this hospital stay was different and unsettling to my heart.

When Markelle was in this much pain all I could do was lay in bed with her and rub her back. Nothing took the pain away but rubbing her back comforted her… so I did it non-stop. While I was lying with her, Markelle asked me if I would hold her and I replied that I was holding her. She said, “No mommy, hold me like a baby.” I scooped up her little body in my arms and she snuggled her head in my chest. I cried quietly to myself knowing that my heart was right… this really was going to be different.

Happy 16th Birthday Rae!

2011-12-16T09:25:00.000-08:00

It does not seem possible that my precious girl, Markelle, would have been 16 years old today… This would mean driving, high school, texting, boys, maybe a job that would provide Markelle with that much wanted financial freedom that most teens want… Yikes!!!

I can only imagine Markelle at this age and the things she would be passionate about and involved in. She wanted to be just like Mikalie, so likely she would be as much like her as would be allowed in their sisterly love : )

Every year in memory of Markelle our family does a service project as our gift to her. This year our family is helping to provide Christmas for a family that does not have the ability to have one otherwise. One of the gifts we gave was a pair of pajamas because Markelle loved pajama days more than anything. In addition, we also will continue to purchase journals that I will give to the new girls I meet through the prison ministry. I encourage them to write in their journals when they pray for something so that they can look back and see that God really does hear and answer their prayers.

It is amazing to see the impact Markelle has in so many lives even today, in my life and those that know her only through hearing about her. She had such a full life in those short years; it was truly amazing to be part of them!

Markelle was my gift from God and the years she was with us are so precious!

Memories of Markelle...

2011-02-10T03:53:00.000-08:00

Every day I think of Markelle and over the last couple of weeks leading up to the 5 years since she has been gone, I have been thinking of all the wonderful times I had with her and how blessed I was to be her mom. It hit me the other day that I am so afraid of not remembering things about her life. And the longer she has been gone I notice that it is becoming more difficult for Gage to remember her too.

One of my favorite memories was the Wednesday before Markelle went into the hospital. She was sitting on the couch snapping her fingers, bopping her head, and tapping her foot while singing her heart out to the theme song to Suite life of Zack and Cody. The next night Markelle and I sat in the overstuffed chair and watched several episodes of Roseanne together. We just sat there, with our hands interlocked. I remember smelling her hair and the way her hand felt in mine!

The last day she was with us I lay next to her in her hospital bed and I desperately wanted to soak up every moment, the smell of her hair, the way her hand felt in mine… just being her mom… What I would give for just one more day! We spent that day talking about her life and all that she loved. How she loved school, babies and doing math problems… And oh how much she wanted to be just like her big sister! Wearing a two piece swimsuit after Dr. Meyers told her she gave her a “perfect bikini belly!” How was I supposed to say no after the doctor gave her the go ahead? There was so much to my smart-witted and precious little girl!

How is it possible that in 10 short years our Markelle touched so many lives? In those 10 years she spent so much of it in the hospital and so much of it fighting for her life… And now to look back and see that she changed me and she touched so many people is a miracle in and of itself.

There is so much that she shared in the 10 years she was with us that I desperately want to remember it all. There are memories that you may have of her that I don’t know or that I may not remember. Over the next little while if you have a memory of Markelle that you would like to share with me, please do…

2010-11-06T00:00:00.000-07:00

Happy Sweet Sixteen Mikalie!!!

Happy Birthday my beautiful girl! I can’t believe that you are 16 years old today. You are beautiful in every way and I love to see the person that you have become. You are kind, caring, giving and compassionate. You strive for excellence and give your all to everything that you do and I am so proud of you!

You loved our baby Markelle from the very beginning… You gave her your binkies because she did not like the new ones; she only liked the soft ones from you. It was a little questionable when you tried to convince me to return her to the store but we got through that…

I love to think about how much Markelle loved you and how much she wanted to be just like you. Remember when you would give her your old clothes and she would wear only them? I love thinking about when you and Markelle would play Annie and Little Mermaid in the bath, when you played baby’s, Charmed, dancing to Britney, swimming in the pool, riding bikes and scooters up and down the driveway…

Rearranging Markelle’s room before I caught you guys doing it. Those days were a great time for you to share as sisters. And always know that there is nothing like a good elbow in the chest to say "I love you"!

You are a great sister and role model to Adam, Gage and Anna too. I love that they see you involved in church, sports and being a great student.

I think Markelle would love Oregon and our life here!

My wish for you is a year full of laughter and happiness and that you will continue to grow in your faith...

You are precious to me and I love you!

I wonder...

2010-09-14T12:03:00.000-07:00

As Autum falls upon us once again without our sweet Markelle, I have many questions running through my head... things I wonder about Markelle and who'd she be today..

Would you still walk on your toes?

Would there still be a baby doll in your backpack or maybe on your bed?

Would you have the "Bieber fever" or be crushing on Freddy Benson?

Would you be a babysitter?

What would be your food of choice?

What would you be for Halloween? Would you still dress up?

Would you be watching "iCarly", or "My life as Liz"?

Would you be as excited as I am for the return of "Gray's Anatomy"?

Would you love 8th grade as much as 3rd grade?

What classes would you choose to take?

Would you have long hair or short?

How many sentimental pieces of jewelry would you be wearing?

Who's pictures would be in your wallet?

Would you really use a cell phone?

Would you still secretly love the Disney Princesses?

Would you be disappointed in Jon and Kate?

Would you know all 19 names?

Would you love to dance?

Would you want to see the " Nanny McPhee Returns"?
Would you be my Facebook friend?
How would you choose to help others?

Not a day goes by that I don't think about Markelle. But I know these questions are really about me.. I'm not as much sad that she is missing out on these things as I am sad that I'm missing out on watching her experience these things. I know she's in such a wonderful place that none of these worldly things matter much. I just wonder sometimes...

~ Allie

2010-03-17T13:58:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Gage!

Seven years ago I was at Cottonwood Hospital and Markelle was across town at Primary Children’s Medical Center. After being in Pittsburgh for 3 ½ months post transplant, Markelle got to come home for a month so that I could have a our baby in Utah. The week before Gage was scheduled to be born Markelle got an infection and we ended up in the hospital. Thankfully, Jami slept over and stayed with Markelle while I went to have a baby.

Late that morning I talked the doctor into releasing Markelle from the hospital but the problem was her legal guardian had to sign her discharge papers - small problem when I was across town in labor… I talked to the doctor and faxed a note stating that Markelle’s Aunt Amy could sign and bring her home. When Amy got there the nurse knew very well that she was not really Markelle’s aunt but had compassion for us and let Amy bring her home anyway.

At 1:58 pm, weighing 9 lbs. and 22 inches, Gage came into this world. I immediately called Markelle to tell her that her baby brother had arrived. Mikalie was there shortly to meet him along with our family who had all been anxiously waiting for him to arrive.

After I had met him I knew he should be named Gage. We had name talks for a long time and Markelle wanted his name to be Carter while Mikalie wanted his name to be Gage. We had lots of talks about all of the ways to make fun of his name and wanted to make sure it was not too bad. At the end his name was going to be Gage or Kyle and I could not know for sure until I met him.

Our family was blessed to have him and the girls were so excited to have a baby brother. Markelle was especially happy that in 6 days we would be on a plane back to Pittsburgh and she would not have to share him with anyone. After being there for almost six months Gage would cry when anyone held him but Markelle and me. This did not make Mikalie happy since she missed him so much.

Markelle spent a lot of time mothering him, napping with him, helping bath him and loving him. When I tell him Markelle stories the first thing I tell him is that she loved him the most… and she did!

Gage is an awesome boy who is very smart and funny. He is great with his hands and very mechanically inclined. This last year he started building big Lego sets and only needs our help to find a missing piece. Being outside riding his bike or playing sports is what he loves the most. He has a great personality and loves his family and friends with all of his heart.

Gage has recently started crying at school because he misses me. His teacher lets him call me to say that he loves and misses me... This week when he was telling me that he cried at school again I said "Buddy, I know you love me but I don't want you to be sad at school!" He said, "Mom I was crying because I love you so much my heart was sick." How cute is he?

I am so blessed that God gave Gage to be part of our family and that I get to be his mom.

Memories of Markelle

2010-02-10T03:55:00.000-08:00

I believe that when Markelle closed her eyes to me, she opened them to the Lord!!!

It is so big for me when I think of Markelle and all that her 10 years were about.
First I think of how beautiful she was and the love of life that she had. Then I think of the strength she had from the very beginning. She fought hard to live and did it longer than anyone ever thought possible.

Markelle loved Mikalie and wanted more than anything to be just like her. She loved the babies in our family… She loved to play with them and even trained Gage to act like a dog and he would bite everyone but her. Markelle loved her people! Her people that never thought twice about walking the rough road with us…

She was stinkin funny! She was able to talk smack and was cute enough about it that she didn’t get in trouble. She made jokes and really she was funny… oh and the quirky things that she loved. I loved to see her laugh and when she would crack her own self up she would laugh from the bottom of her belly and her nose would flare :-) I miss her smile and laugh...

She loved art. We were the “Art Project Queens”! When she was in the hospital we would do project after project. Her room was covered in her great art. She painted, cut, drew, colored, collaged, did that plastic cross stitch stuff and painted some more... The many buckets of stuff we did and still she wanted more to do. Then while we waited for more supplies, if we ran out in an evening or on Sunday, she would just cut up the styrofoam cups. The bags we would take home of art projects were endless and then at home came nothing less than more art, only at home Mikalie could share in the fun and I could be relieved of some of the participation.

She loved school and to write math problems and correct them and then do more.

She loved to eat alcohol swabs, Yuck!… and nothing more really needs to be said. Months of potato salad, apples dipped in peanut butter and chips with cheese were probably top on the list of the all time favorite foods after transplant. Pre-transplant she really was just a condiment eater. We got funny looks when we ordered a side of sour cream when we were out to eat.

Big baths and swimming…She had the perfect bikini belly too! Our last talk was about swimming with the dolphins in Hawaii when she got better. I like to think that is what she dreamed of when she did not wake up again.

Charmed, E. R., Roseanne, A Baby Story and The Cosby Show are just a few on the list of favorite shows that she watched.

This is just a few of the things that she loved and helped make her who she was. There were so many things that she really loved… It was easy to appreciate the things that she loved and those days when we knew that they were eventually going to end.

Markelle loved with all of her heart. She never expected anything in return just that she be able to love. The very last words she spoke was that she loved me... And I know that she did.

Our Funny Valentine!!

2010-02-10T03:53:00.000-08:00

Click here to view these pictures larger

It's been 4 years since we've seen our precious Markelle... Here are some "rarely" seen pics for your enjoyment.

To Markelle:

We miss you more every day, it's hard to believe it's been 4 years, we will never forget you!!

Love, Your Family

Happy Birthday!!

2009-12-16T09:44:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Beautiful Girl!!

You have inspired us and changed our lives. We miss you with every breath we take. Our memories of you are precious and invaluable. You will forever be in our hearts!!

Thinking of you today..... Your Family.

Markelle's Gift

2009-11-29T22:09:00.000-08:00

People may not remember exactly what you did, or what you said, …but they will always remember how you made them feel.

(Markelle's 10th Birthday, 12/16/05)

As most of you already know, each year our family chooses to take on a unique service project in honor of Markelle and her December 16th birthday and Christmas. It's been our way of continuing to give what we can to Markelle and to keep our holiday focused on what we have and are capable of doing rather than what we have lost.

If you are reading this you probably knew Markelle, or maybe you met us after Markelle was gone, in which case you have probably heard her story. We would like ask you to take a second and try to remember how you felt after just visiting with Markelle or hearing about her. If you are like us, We visited Markelle as often as possible just to get our cup full... Let's face it, most of us never went to the hospital for her, or for Heidi, it was for us, because being with Markelle made us feel amazing. Witnessing her fight and her passion for life, seeing her try to have as much fun as possible when she obviously felt lousy was purely inspirational. We'll confess that we drank from Markelle's fountain and it made us feel like a better people.. It's one of the things we miss most and one of the reasons we love our yearly service project in her name. We get to attempt to recreate the feeling we felt when we spent time with Markelle. In addition, we keep her memories fresh and keep her part of our family tradition.

Now, part of our family is in Oregon. A lot of Markelle's people and our family and friends are in Utah. We have friends and family who live in Washington, Idaho, Texas and Ohio. Life changes, we are growing and spreading out. So after giving much thought to how we can collectively share in Markelle's gift, we came up with a new idea. We propose that each person think of one word to describe how Markelle made you feel, and then take some time to come up with a family, or individual, project to try to make someone in need feel that same way. We would love to post your story here for everyone to share, with pictures and feedback on how your project made you feel. We would love to see the unique ways in which we were all inspired by Markelle and the creative way you choose to express it.

You can see what we've decided to do in our posts below. Please send us an e-mail with your story. We would love to hear about it and even see pictures of what you do. Send emails to markellefrei@comcast.net. We will get it posted right away.

We are aware that this service project comes very close to Christmas, which is a natural time of charity and helping others. This is not meant to be a contest or to see who can do the most, it's not intended to take the place of what you would normally do with your family or church and does not have to be monetary at all. Helping the children of a single mother with reading and homework is every bit as impressive as giving a large sum of money to her... We are simply asking that you pay forward the wonderful way Markelle made you feel and then share it with us. If along the way you inspire someone to see the miracle of the season, then the amazing gift she left for us will have true meaning.

With love and all the blessings of the season,

Heidi and Allie

God gives us the opportunity to know him, he stands at the door and knocks, it's up to us to let him.

The Dodd's Gift

2009-11-29T22:06:00.000-08:00

Markelle was a precious Gift from God and, being her Mom, I received many gifts. The greatest gift Markelle could have ever given me is my faith; faith in the Lord that gave her to bless my life and the many people that she touched in her short ten years. It is that faith that allows me to wake up and give everyday all that I have and it is that faith which moved me to Oregon. That same faith also collided my world with my wonderful husband's world. To all of this, I thank God for entrusting me to be Markelle's mom because she was the path that led me to Him. This year our family has decided to buy 100, $1 Bibles from our church to allow those who do not have the many gifts that we do, to find their faith... I will write a letter with each Bible telling those who receive our gift that they to can thank the Lord for Markelle.

Allie, Steve and Jesse

2009-11-29T22:03:00.000-08:00

While we were recently in Salt Lake City, we made a last minute decision to stop at the Target and fill a basket of toys for the kids that will be spending Christmas at Primary Children's Hospital. We picked out toys that we though Markelle would have liked, we even got some games and PJ's. We took them up to the hospital and dropped them off. It was a great feeling to be doing something to help the kids on Markelle's ICS unit. I will be smiling on Christmas morning thinking about the Bop It Jesse picked out making some child very happy, and a nurse very crazy...

Steve and I have chosen to not exchange gifts with each other at all. We will take that money and fill the wishes of two children who's Christmas needs are posted on a giving tree. We chose this because Markelle made us feel blessed and we would like to bless someone else in her name. We picked a 14 year old girl and got some new shoes and a CD player. We wrapped the presents and took them to our chruch and put them under the tree. It was great and especially wonderful to see how many gifts there were under that tree. There are really so many giving hearts in the world.

Jesse says that Markelle made him feel happy, so he would like to make cupcakes and take them to our neighbors because that will make them very happy.

Jesse loved baking his cupcakes. I was basically only on "germ" duty making sure his fingers got washed after he dipped... He did the rest and did a great job staying focused on his duties and LOVED every second of making his cupcakes. Part of the deal was that he had to think of a plan, pay for it, do the work and then make the deliveries. He counted all his money, took it to the store and turned it over to the checkout gal with pleasure. I was very proud of him. I think his favorite part was making the deliveries... well, maybe second after licking the batter. He choose red velvet cupcakes, so you can see from the pictures how red the batter was... He had a good time and it gave us a great opportunity to talk about Markelle and heaven and Christmas and all that this season is really about. It was a blessing and I believe a real learning experience for Jess.

This was a great experience for our whole family and I loved being a part of each others giving experience. We miss Markelle everyday, but this time of year is especially difficult given her birthday and the holidays. This is a great way to stay connected and keeping us focused on the real meaning of Christmas. God Bless and may heavens greatest blessing be with you in the new year.

Karen Roylance

2009-11-29T10:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Opal:

Happiest of Birthdays to you! I pray for a year filled with joy for you and your family. I would like to take a moment to tell you about a story of a remarkable girl. Markelle Frei was a special girl who touched my life with joy. Markelle brought many people joy when she arrived from heaven on December 16, 1995, and with her passing on earth, she brought joy to those in heaven on February 10, 2006.
Markelle brought joy to all those who knew her and I would like to extend this joy to your family. To celebrate the joy that Markelle continues to bring, enclosed is an annual pass for you and your family to enjoy the Utah Hogle Zoo for the coming year.
Please enjoy this gift and whenever your hearts feels joy during your visits there, know that this joy started with Markelle and is reflected through the special way about her and how she spread joy to all those who knew her. Her joy is now passed on to you and your family in her memory.
With Love and joy,
Your friend,

markelle

2009-11-28T10:26:00.000-08:00

In memory of your sweet Markelle, Barry and I took advantage of an opportunity through his work to help some homeless folks. We purchased hats, socks, long underwear and gloves and donated them through an organization that helps the homeless. I wish I had the privilege of getting to know Markelle. However, I can see the ways that she has influenced so many, including you. Sometimes it is those who walk on this earthly sod the shortest that effect us the most. Thanks for offering us the opportunity to do a small thing in her name. It is a great way to keep her memory alive and honor the God that she loved.

Love,

Sue and Barry